Words Rarely Spoken.

This is a blog right?

And on blogs you can write personal stuff that no body truly cares about but it puts your head in a better place right? Well I don’t know but I’m going to do it anyways…now I’m not trying to be emo, or fish for people to care for me but I’ve experienced enough heartache in the passed two days for my liking. My mind hasn’t stopped racing so I’m sorry but I’m just going to say what’s on my mind. I don’t expect anything from anyone because you telling me you’re there if I need anything is a nice gesture but we all know there’s nothing you can say or do to help me so yes you’re sorry to hear this but it’s just a waiting game from here on out.

My dad had a bad cold and cough for two weeks now, pretty bad. He’d cough all night and go purple and gag. But it wasn’t until Thursday night that it was really bad! It hurt me to hear him cough like that, so I offered my assistance as I played COD. Made him tea, got him water, some towels to cool himself with anything. I offered to call an ambulance it didn’t sound good, he said no. I went to bed…and that is where I am angry at myself. 4:00 am Friday morning my mom woke me up to tell me the ambulance is on its way to bring my dad in. That…seemed like two weeks ago was yesterday. I got updates hourly, fluid in his lungs, rock solid phlegm in his chest. They put a tube down his throat, he didn’t like it so they put him under. Tubes through his nose into his stomach to eat, into his lungs so he could breath via a machine. He was doing good, he looked rough yesterday but I slept at ease, the doctor said he was in well condition. This morning he did a lot better than expected. A speedy recover was in the forefront of my mind. Until 7:00. Not only was the whether fucking horrible but he decided…well not really, but still he took a turn for the worst…not death, but close. His left lung was covered in fluid, on the outside. Putting pressure on his heart. So my mom called me and told me I had to get to the hospital as fast as possible…easier said than done during rush hour on ice roads. But I made it, avoided 4 accidents and slid through 5 stop signs. And there he is, in an induced coma with more tubes in his body that a August day water park. And there is my mom, more weak than I have ever seen her before. The woman I lean on when I can’t handle things has turned to me. Not I have to worry about her well being, my own, my dads…our family built so closely on our love that is never said. We never hug or kiss never say I love you and fight quite often, but that is just how we roll. And now there is my mom physically ill with the threat of loosing her true love of over 20 years. And there is me, scared to FUCK about loosing my dad of 20 years. But I had to leave, there was no good for me at the hospital. Whats more critical than his condition is family structure, because I swear if I lost him I wouldn’t be able to carry on. All of this because of a cold, because he didn’t want to go to the doctors! My mind is in every direction, I don’t even know if this entire thing makes sense, but I’m low. I’ve never felt so low. I’ve never lost a family member before so I consider myself lucky, and I’ve never taken life for granted so why does this happen to us? I just can’t handle it, but nothing is stronger than the Megaffin name, through world wars and depression…bad business partners and decades of people. We fight and right now my biggest best friend is fighting for his life, and I can’t do anything to help him! FUCK!

Last Night Was Rough

Bipolar animal I see the pain I cause it’s tangable,

But I just can’t believe it how imaginable,

Lumberjack taking my chainsaw and cutting down feelings,

Breaking trust like boarding in the NHL,

I honestly just want to forget what happened - it was such hell,

Swollen eyes showing my weakness,

My defence mechanism is set to attack mode,

Kevlar vests can’t do anything to stop these bullets,

But I’d rather turn the danger upon myself,

There is no excuse for why I loose control,

But you’re not the one that should have to deal with it,

Don’t be feeling sorry - pushing me was the right thing to do,

Protecting yourself from danger is my number one objective,

Even when I am the one causing it,

It’s mind blowing,

When you finally realize how many mistakes you make,

And it hits you hard,

Knowing that even through it all she still sticks beside you,

It’s more shocking that a toaster in a bathtub,

Extra bubble bath to soften the blow,

But I can’t get over how hard it must be,

And I’m here trying to deflect it,

But rather I should take it and rebuild.

I’m worse than Godzilla on a rampage,

And I’ll just tear out this page and start a new,

Because pain is never my intention - I love you.